IMPORTANT NOTE: Don't know what vaginismus is? I suggest that you take a few moments to scroll to the bottom of this blog & read some quotes that I have gathered from the website Vaginismus.com. The purpose of this first post is to share my personal experience with discovering vaginismus. I was diagnosed with primary vaginismus back in 2012. I've had this sexual disorder my entire life, but wasn't aware of it until my early twenties. I don't wear tampons and until my twenties, I didn't want any kind of sexual penetration. The first time I tried inserting tampons my mother found me in the bathroom crying because it hurt to the point where I could not get it in. She reassured me that I didn't have to use tampons, that pads would be just fine. I was very happy with my pads and I still am. I didn't think anything was out of the ordinary for not being able to use tampons (even the smallest ones). I also wasn't ready for any kind of sexual experience involving penetration when I was in high school or the first half of college. I preferred engaging in other types of sexual activity. I loved my "sex" life. Penetration was never really brought up with the partners I was with at the time. We never ventured to try fingering, intercourse, etc. We enjoyed doing what we did. During the later half of college I was officially ready to try intercourse. I still had no idea that I had vaginismus at this point. I had been with my boyfriend for many years, we had a wonderful "sex" life, and both him and I were ready to be with each other fully in every sense. We had never tried any kind of penetration before. It wasn't because we didn't want to, it just didn't matter because we loved our sex life how it was. Upon trying intercourse for the first time, it just didn't work. It was excruciating and he barley even made it inside of me. It felt like he hit a wall right at the opening of my vagina. We stopped and he was an amazing gentleman, comforting me as I cried. I was angry, frustrated, confused, sad, and disappointed. I felt like a total freak. I felt broken. I had always anticipated my first time having intercourse being uncomfortable or potentially painful. I had never thought it would feel so excruciating. I knew something wasn't right and that is when I started to do some research. There HAD to be other woman out there who were experiencing what I was feeling. I finally came across the term vaginismus. Upon reading about it, I started to cry. This was what I had, I was sure of it. I asked my mother to accompany me to an OBGYN appointment. I attempted to undergo my first pap smear...it didn't go well. They couldn't even insert the child sized speculum in my vagina because I was so distraught and in so much pain. I was officially diagnosed with primary vaginismus and recommended that I start physical therapy. Although I was bummed that I had a sexual disorder, I felt so much relief that I finally had an answer. I decided it was time to schedule my first physical therapy session. I took my mother into the room with me. I was nervous and didn't want to be going through physical therapy alone. My physical therapist turned out to be amazing, educated, and understanding of my condition. We came to discover that my hips were not entirely even, one sat higher than the other as well as pushed out more towards the front of my body. I was given some exercises and stretches to try and was also recommend that I purchase a set of dilators and lubrication. For those who don't know what physical therapy for vaginismus is, let me try to give you a visual: I'm laying on a comfortable bed with a blanket on top of my naked lower half of my body. I have interested my own finger in my vagina with lidocaine gel (a numbing gel) twenty minutes prior to laying on the table. It was difficult but I managed. The lights have been dimmed so as to create a tranquil setting. My mother is sitting near my head, stroking my hair like when I was a young child, as a way of getting me to stay calm and somewhat relaxed. I have one earphone in, from my Ipod, playing soothing music as another means to try to keep me still and collected. My physical therapist sits at the end of the bed and inserts her finger into my vagina. I'm told to breath, bear down with my butt into the bed (to try and get my pelvic floor muscles to cooperate), and to say on a scale of 1 - 10 the pain level I am at. She gradually inserts her finger into me as much as my body will let her. There are three layers to the vagina. For me the first and second layers are the most painful. Although I had previously put numbing gel in my vagina, it does not take away the pain. It helps just a tiny little bit take off the edge, but there is still an excruciating, burning, stinging, sharp, and aching pain that I feel. She slowly rotates her finger in a circle to try some vaginal stretching while I try to concentrate on keeping my pelvic floor muscles relaxed. Since the pelvic floor muscles contract involuntarily with vaginismus, it is a difficult deed to accomplish. Nothing about this scenario is sexual or even remotely sexy. It is painful, awkward, nerve racking, humbling, frustrating, and exhausting. I am however very grateful for the physical therapist I had and also my mother. Neither one made me feel like a freak or emotionally uncomfortable. After a few months of physical therapy, I decided to stop going. I wanted to see if I was ready to use some of the muscle relaxation techniques I learned in physical therapy with the dilators at home. I used my dilators for about 5 - 8 weeks on a regular basis. You are supposed to use the dilators every single day, gradually inserting them in you vagina for a certain amount of period each time, eventually moving up in sizes. I would use them 3 - 4 times a week because my vagina felt too sore to use them every single day. My dilator set ranges from size 1 - 5. I only ever got to size 1 in those few months. It is smaller than a tampon. My regular use of them came to a halt. It wasn't intentional, other things in my life took priority. A year later I went back to physical therapy. After a few months of going, I stopped again. This time though, I really was ready to use the dilators on my own. I kept up with them for awhile. As you may guess, I once again failed to use them on a regular basis. They were pushed aside because I became preoccupied with planning for my wedding. Remember that boyfriend I tried having intercourse with for the first time? He is now my husband. <3 This brings us up to date. I'm currently on dilator size 2. Although I have not overcome my vaginismus yet, I'm about to embark on a new adventure! There have been very little view points that I can find online about being pregnant or giving birth with primary vaginismus. I would like to share my journey in the weeks and months to follow. I have primary vaginsimus, I am happily married, and I am currently 39 weeks pregnant with my first child. Let's Do This. -Key Vaginismus 101To help explain vaginismus in the most simplistic way possible, I've gathered together several helpful quotes from the awesome website: Vaginismus.com. It is an extremely helpful site on all things vaginismus related and should definitely be looked at by both those who are aware and unaware of what vaginismus is: "Vaginismus is vaginal tightness causing discomfort, burning, pain, penetration problems, or complete inability to have intercourse. The vaginal tightness results from the involuntary tightening of the pelvic floor, especially the puboccygeus (PC) muscle group."
4 Comments
Dana
6/26/2020 06:27:03 am
Hi there, I hope this question is not too personal. But I was wondering, being in a similar situation (but single at the moment), in your personal experience or what you have heard from others with vaginismus, how does the partner take it? Does your husband (if too personal, have you heard some other experiences or stories) not have the need to have an open relationship where he can have sex with someone else? I am asking because this is something that concerns me and I have understood some may come to this kind of an arrangement. What are your thoughts on this? how would you react if your partner told you that he doesnt want to leave you but needs to have sex regularly?
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Key
6/26/2020 06:26:40 pm
I had been with my partner for a few years before I was diagnosed with primary vaginismus. We had tried intercourse a few times and it was always to painful, so we always stopped. He never had a “need” to have intercourse. We had/have a great sex life without having penetrative sex. He is a wonderful person and loves me for who I am. There is a great respect between the two of us and it reflects in our love life. I feel that if you are with the right person, then they would understand and not make you feel pressured or guilty because you cannot have penetrative sex. There are a lot of other ways to pleasure one another.
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Dana
6/27/2020 03:46:21 am
Thank you so much for the comments on this. It is lovely to hear that your husband is such a wonderful, understanding person. And great to hear it is Still possible to have a satisfying sex life especially if the partner is on board. Definitely, your final comment, makes absolute sense to me. Just things that have been in my mind, but again, appreciate very much your comments, thank you so much and all the best to you and your family! Leave a Reply. |
About Key:Mid-twenties, first time mom, loving wife, vaginismus patient, hamster parent. Archives
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