I’ve made it through pregnancy with primary vaginismus and you can too! There was only a few prenatal appointments in which my vaginismus became an issue, the 8-week visit and the final third trimester appointments. All the other visits were no problem. They consisted of peeing in a cup (towards the end of pregnancy) and having a quick ten-minute chat with the doctor or midwife about how things were going. At my hospital there are several members of the OBGYN group. I did not have one specific midwife or doctor that I saw consistently throughout my pregnancy. I never knew who I was going to talk to at all my appointments. Since there are several doctors and midwives within the OBGYN group at my hospital, whoever was on-call the day I went into labor was the doctor who would deliver my baby. I did not get to choose who it would be and so the prenatal visits were a great way to try and meet all of them. Funny enough, the doctor who delivered my baby was one of the doctors that I had never met. Thankfully, he was aware of my vaginismus and he did a wonderful job delivering my little one. The 8-Week Appointment:At the 8-week visit, my doctors perform a routine pap smear as well as an internal ultrasound. For those of us with vaginismus, a routine pap smear is anything but routine. I’ve never been able to have a pap smear before. As like in the past, I was unable to make it through a traditional pap smear and the doctor had to perform a “blind” pap smear and rely on what she could see and feel. The “blind” pap smear is still just as awful as a normal pap smear. Any internal exam is extremely painful for me and during this longer appointment my poor vaginismus vagina had to undergo two penetrations. The second penetration was the internal ultrasound. If my husband and I decide to have another baby and I’m not feeling up for it, I’m going to deny this internal ultrasound. It is extremely invasive for someone like me and I don’t find it 100% vital. It does allow the doctors to confirm if you are having a singleton or multiple babies and helps them figure out exactly how far along the baby is growing. For parents, it makes them feel connected to their babies and helps to take away some anxiety about having a potential miscarriage. For me the internal ultrasound was just a defeating, agonizing experience. I was in a lot of pain and holding back tears; I couldn’t even enjoy listening and seeing my baby for the first time. It took everything in me to stay focused to get through the procedure. I will say that the doctor I had that day was amazing. After the “blind” pap smear, she could tell how miserable I was and allowed me to insert the internal ultrasound tool on my own. The internal ultrasound tool is terrifying at first glance. It looks like a wand that is longer and bigger than the largest dilator I own. After 5 minutes of not being able to insert this wand myself, I was ready to give up. The speculum for pap smears felt smaller than this internal ultrasound tool did. After some time and deep breaths, I ended up being able to push past that “wall” my vagina had put up and insert the tool. The only reason I mustered up the strength to get it in was the fact that if I couldn’t do it myself, the doctor was going to step in and insert it for me. Having control over what goes into my vagina, regardless of how painful it is, is much better than having someone else do it. With the internal ultrasound, my husband and I could see and hear our baby for the first time. Since I was using every ounce of me to concentrate on not having a break down, I felt like I missed out on the whole happy part of the experience. I cried on the way home looking at the ultrasound picture. I was exhausted and my vagina ached for a few hours. Days afterwards, my attitude on the experience changed when I looked at the ultrasound. It felt good to be able to have visual confirmation of my pregnancy and made me look forward to becoming a mom. If we decide to have another child in the future I'm still on the fence whether or not to have the internal ultrasound. I guess it depends on how my body is feeling during that particular type of prenatal visit. Since I’ve made it through giving birth vaginally (with an epidural) and having my 6-week postpartum internal check-up, I have much more confidence to be able to undergo vaginal checks. The Final Third Trimester Appointments:During the last month of being pregnant, many women want to see how far they are dilated. Although I was curious, I opted out of being checked. Having vaginismus made those last few visits an issue for me because I was torn between wanting to know if I was dilated and not wanting to undergo any type of internal exam. In the end, having my last prenatal appointments pain-free won. The doctors and midwives I saw during those last few visits were very understanding and agreed on wanting to keep me as comfortable as possible. After all, once the prenatal visits were over, I was going to push a baby out of my vagina.
When I went in for those final weekly visits, the nurses would give me a gown and tell me to get undress from the waist down so the doctor or midwife could check to see how dilated I was. I would politely mention to the nurses that I had vaginismus and that I wanted to talk with the midwife or doctor before changing out of my clothes to see if it was necessary to be checked. The important part to take away from this is that I spoke up. The midwives and doctors that I saw were very knowledgeable about vaginismus. Since I had a normal pregnancy and was NOT high risk, I was told by several of the doctors and midwifes that it was not necessary to check to see how far dilated I was. They said that unless I was past my due date, having contractions, or the baby was at risk that I could opt out of being checked, which I did and I do not regret at all. Although I was passed my due date, it just wasn’t worth the pain or anxiety to have a doctor check my cervix. Checking the cervix is just as bad as a pap smear. If you are 2 centimeters dilated it means that the doctor can insert two fingers all the way past the third level of the vagina. If staying relaxed during a pelvic exam is difficult to do normally with vaginismus, adding 40 lbs of baby weight makes it even more difficult. My belly was so big that I could not see my feet and my back hurt no matter what position I would lay in. I truly did not want to be examined while already uncomfortable. At 11 days past my due date I was scheduled to have an appointment in which they would have to check to see how far dilated I was. Pending on how far, they would then decide which method was best to induce labor and when. I really did not want to be induced and luckily I went into labor just twelve hours before that appointment. -Key
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About Key:Mid-twenties, first time mom, loving wife, vaginismus patient, hamster parent. Archives
February 2018
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